Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.

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In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.


I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore


My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.


Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.


[me as an uber driver]

yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable


No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED


Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”


While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section


I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.


Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.