Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
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[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.