I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
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Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?