you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
You Might Also Like
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video