I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
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Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
I don’t think my car can fly
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”