It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
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Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Potatoes were such a good idea
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
It was worth a shot 😂
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.