Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
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Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨