blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
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[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
something like this could probably happen to anyone
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!