My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
You Might Also Like
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama