There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
You Might Also Like
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.