Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
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Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.