Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
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Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
the saddest jazz hands ever
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god