“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
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Banking tips
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
All. The. Damn. Time.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that