At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
You Might Also Like
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Facebook marketplace is a different world
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do