cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
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If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.