You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
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IT’S-A ME,
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.