My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
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[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok