ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
You Might Also Like
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
North and South
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.