ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
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*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway