Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
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#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.