found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
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Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
A great tip. #CakeRex
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why