found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
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HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Attention fat vegans:
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
*Goes to work*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Education is vital
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back