found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
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Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS