I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
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kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.