people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
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I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Waiting for the Charmin
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
do what now??
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better