Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
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When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Covid like
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.