Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
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[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.