[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
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[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Breaking news:
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis: