the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
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me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.