My hips? Compulsive liars.
You Might Also Like
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.