me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
You Might Also Like
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
#titanic
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol