Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
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went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
My blood type is coffee.