Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
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Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.