They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
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Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”