The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
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the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.