person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
You Might Also Like
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
🍞🦆
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
are they though??
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Namaste
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
our love story in four pictures
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds