Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
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Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Your honor these allegations are
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*