Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
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Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
I’ve been learning to cook.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills