If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
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Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord