Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
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I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
#StillHurts
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
scenes of unspeakable carnage
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
❤️❤️❤️
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.