The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
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“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know