They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
You Might Also Like
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.