Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
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What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie