Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
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6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
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My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
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[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year