*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
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My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.