me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
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“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.