@mrsauntiepam

Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.

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@LovelyFilters

relationship status:

[ ] single

[ ] taken

[X] waiting for the spaceship to return

@rockymomax

[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe

[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die

@ericsshadow

Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.

@Xalqee

” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium

@TheRolo

Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?

Me: we met at a nickelback conc-

Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder

@gkaluma

Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.

@marcusthetoken

Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.

@charstarlene

Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.

@jasomnambulism

Grandma: what’s oversharing?

Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.