Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.

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relationship status:

[ ] single

[ ] taken

[X] waiting for the spaceship to return


[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe

[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die


Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.


” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium


Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?

Me: we met at a nickelback conc-

Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder


Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.


Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.


Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.


Grandma: what’s oversharing?

Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.