Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
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If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
I hope Alan is OK
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.