To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
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Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
*jingles half the way*
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.