To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
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My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.