To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.

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They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?


Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.


Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters


If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone


I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.


Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!


[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*


As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.