To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
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Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.