Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity
![]()
You Might Also Like
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.