Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
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I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.
We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
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Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter