Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
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*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮