We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.
We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!
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[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as sheâs around the corner
Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonaldâs.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
âThatâs so cool,â she lied.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
đ¤Łđ¤Łđ¤Ł
Whatâs that, Lassie? Whereâs Timmy? The butcherâs? I hope youâre right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: Thereâs other people in line, you know.
I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that đ
After seeing my share of peopleâs ultrasound pictures Iâm convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Confuse people by affixing âbut not necessarily at this junctureâ to the end of each sentence.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Cliffordâs cousin
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
This is Cassie. She was chasing waves when they started chasing her back. Had to throw it in reverse real quick. 13/10
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, youâre missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.