Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
You Might Also Like
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Good dog. ❤️
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Was it something I said?
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.