Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
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a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months