What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
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Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.